Infatuation is touted as a glorious time of discovering a person. However, I believe that infatuation involves designing a person; in essence, founding a relationship on an illusion that is destined to unwind. It is no coincidence that after three to six months, the time necessary to stop lying to ourselves about the true nature of our beloveds, infatuation has subsided. It is no coincidence that after this period of time, many relationships end. These relationships end because we become stripped of our illusions and thus the desire for people that never truly existed.
It may seem impossible. But I contend that the less that is known, the more we are able to make conjectures about the nature of people and thus overestimate their complement to our own personalities. We interpret the actions of lovers and assign them personalities that may or may not exist. The highly intelligent man I dated and concluded only loved open, intellectual debate truly loved being right. The chivalrous man I dated and concluded must be well-mannered and considerate truly was chauvinistic. And of course, these logical but nonetheless false conclusions led me to fall for men that I did not know. And so it seems that infatuation is merely a a self-illusion, not the start of a well-founded relationship. Though your eyes are turned toward your lover, do not be so disillusioned as to believe you are an explorer of someone’s soul, for you are likely concerned with finding evidence that supports your own desires.
Another concept we love in the context of infatuation is scarcity. If people are available, we assume they must not be valuable. Truly, they may be intrigued enough by us to make finding time for us a priority but we look down upon this level of accommodation. Even my own reliability makes me seem too available to some men, a fact that I find appalling. It should make me more valuable to get back to all people in a timely fashion; however, this is certainly not the case. Essentially, we reward people for being inconsiderate and unavailable in the infatuation stage of a relationship.
Though it has already become apparent, selfishness is at the root of infatuation. We want to find someone that complements us, makes us feel good about ourselves, fits our perception of the ideal lover as closely as possible. Also, it happens to be very convenient that scarcity allows us to better serve our own self-interest. By caring about ourselves so much that we do not bother to return a call for a few days, we’re often creating an advantage. The “games” of dating could be summed up into one rule: “Be selfish.” Thus, if love is selflessness, how could it be possible for love to be borne out of infatuation?
We are all experts at filling in the blanks. And if you’re not an expert, then you’re disfuctionally distrustful.